Melly Memoirs

What do I really want?

2011-08-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

I'm not too sure what goals i'm really aiming for in life anymore. career, money, love, bonds, nada, i don't know. because things don't always go as planned.

I've told myself countless of times to shut the door and walk away.
because i don't want to get hurt anymore. i void myself of emotions, only letting people close to my heart if i want to.

yet, that feeling that I know is wrong lingers on. i turned back once, twice, and then again. and i know the reason for doing so was because i cared. i cared enough to want to make things work. but yet, i'm disappointed time and again.

thereafter, i stopped. i packed my stuff, pat myself and walked off. locking that door behind me.

because i missed the times we had. i missed the memories of what we were, that friendship that was binding us together. we had it there and then, that chemistry as friends.

and then... it was gone.
*poof* and it disappeared.

that's it, i'm done. i told myself that.
and i wish i can just leave for good.

but i know it's not possible.
because i had cherished that friendship, and i'm wallowing in the loss of it.

New beginning

2011-06-16T11:40:00.003+08:00

Hello,

I'm back.

To say, that I've created an entirely new webpage for me to upload photos, quotes, short posts.

I won't be back here for quite some time though.

I'll be here --> streakofcolours@tumblr

I believe in rainbows, but not the said pot of gold at the end.

Torn between 2

2011-05-08T16:14:00.006+08:00

I'm goddamn disappointed.

To say that they should understand is an understatement. Procrastinating was done and when i'm finally settling down to do some real stuff, they just had to accuse me of not spending quality time with them.

And, mind you,I did not request for company when I am studying. Just so happens that he had off and he wanted to accompany me. The brain has been instilling all sorts of nonsense no thanks to your incessant rant that this guy isn't good because he's actually keeping tabs on you and controlling you and who you are going out with and doing every single minute, second. And I do study a little of psychology so I know the tone and attitude you use has an underlying meaning to it. I can read your expressions and between the lines. TYVM.

Am I supposed to worry that he will kill me like the outcome of the chopsticks quarrel?

Please, I'm now working and studying and you're telling me that it's tough. but you've never done it before and yet, you feel that I should be able to juggle my time more efficiently with less spent with him but it's not my choice.

So annoyed. and tomorrow's the exams and i've yet to complete my revision.
As long as I don't fail I'm happy already.

just makes me wanna scream "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Misunderstood

2011-04-24T01:06:00.002+08:00

I hate this feeling.

Not only do I have to answer to you, I have to answer my family as well. And I'm getting tired of it.

Being misunderstood by them is fine, as long as I know that you're beside me.
Unfortunately, it seems as though you will never trust me again.

Let it go. I always tell myself, no point in harbouring ill-meaning thoughts when I jolly well know that it won't do me any good. It will just add on to the negativity in the air.

I let it go. And yet, I've to struggle every single day to shift the balance from pessimism to optimism. I hate being the eldest. I hate having to make decisions and be consulted all the time. And when I do splurge, I spend on things for my family and sometimes for myself.

I hardly spend money on myself. I hardly do. And I get blamed for not spending more time and money on my family. I get blamed for being a spendthrift. And I just keep saving and the money just keeps depleting.

What am I doing? I'm trying to earn extra money to tide us through. And I regret going to school because I am merely wasting 4.5K per semester to get a degree for a higher-paying job.

My target - 3K. You're so far away. Please, stop.

I need to reach you. By all means. Don't always tell me to prove you wrong. I am only pitting against myself. stop pushing all the negativity to me. I'm so fucking sick of it. I need to breathe. Stop weighing me down. I hate feeling heavy. I hate feeling the need to shoulder so many responsibilities.

My dream, is now so goddamn far away. Because I'm always discouraged by you. Please wake up and see that the world is different. Let them breathe and live what they want to. Stop bearing down on us. Stop breathing down our necks.

Don't jump to conclusion.

悲しでいる

2011-04-14T19:26:00.000+08:00

私はとても疲れますよ。
友達に満たすためにしたくない。

Asking non-stop just makes me annoyed and vexed.
Don't ask and I wouldn't know.
Maybe I should not meet anyone anymore.

Only get disappointed.

じゃない。

Get It Right

2011-04-11T22:37:00.003+08:00

When in love, anything goes.
When in love, you are blind.
How many times do you forgive when you tell yourself you shouldn't?

Isn't it tiring? Reminding yourself all the time to stop all these.
And yet, you head back to the start.
Smack right back into the vicious cycle.

Not influenced but because you know you've changed.
And you get very sick about it.
You just want to scream and shout.
You want to give up.
You want to stop all these nonsense but you can't.
You feel so damn tired.

Hello, you are being manipulated.
And yet, you will yourself into it.
in every single thing.

I am strong, I will be.
Not because I want to, but because I HAVE TO.

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

sick and holding on.

2011-04-04T07:28:00.000+08:00

This is ridiculous. I'm working in the same company as my mum and she says just because there is someone who is much more sick than me and yet, he is still appearing at work results in me not being able to head to the doctor's.

The guy's physique and mine is different. Shouldn't associate us together.

And now, I'm grumpy. Just because I'm off to work. When will this end? So damn sick of it. Seriously. Being scrutinised is enough to make you want to get out.

爱美就要付出代价

2011-04-01T07:52:00.000+08:00

女人往往都重视自己的形象。
买美美的鞋，衣服，包包，首饰，等等。
也会寻找最有效的护肤品或化妆品。

今天，我索性穿了高跟鞋。
有个个子高的男友，
确实让我伤脑筋。
因为他每次说我太矮了。

走出家门到了车站，
发现高跟竟然松懈！
我走脚就会掉出来！
好丢脸！

没办法！只能硬着头皮继续走！
不知我能撑到办公室嘛。。

加油！

A picture speaks a thousand words

2011-03-27T15:08:00.004+08:00

Many things happened and people changed.

I'm really glad I found someone I can talk to about music again. Relish every single moment of it but sadly, we faced alot of issues regarding our friendship. Gotten kinda sick of it.

Friends should never judge you, they would stand by you regardless of your decisions although they will chide you in your moments of folly.

Let time heal all wounds then. I hope we can make it through and things will change.

Like I said, a picture speaks a thousand words, behind each thousand words, lie a story that will be retold countless of time.

I'm happy at the moment. yet sad because I feel lonely.

我一直等待

2011-03-24T21:48:00.000+08:00

每一次都在等着你。
好累。被冤枉都得坦然面对指责。
希望总有一天会有人明白。

好讨厌这个叫"嫉妒"的情感。
让人不停地疑神疑鬼。
请你住手，我已经没能力去抵抗你的质疑。

我真的快要疯了。。

if only

2011-03-21T11:49:00.001+08:00

Some stuff I wrote at a bad point in time during the relationship which made me cry so damn hard.

Maybe it's happening again.

"I close that door and sat in that li'l spot,
closing my eyes and wishing that all was just a dream.
I won't say a word. Not anymore

Out of the house and sittin in a bus to never never land.
Wondering how and not knowing why.
I won't be hurt. Not ever again.

Tell me. I would give it my all to know the reason why.
I would take back my words if only there was a chance for us to try.

Stop me. I need you to hold me tightly.
I need you to say that it was all a dream. If only it was true.

I would never be over you.

I wish that I could have turned back time.
I wish that we could change this time.
If only. If only.

But I know, it's too late."

Ciao

会呼吸的痛

2011-03-19T11:57:00.000+08:00

5年不长也不短。

5年前，我们懵懵懂懂地在一起。
以为已经有能力去爱。
却屡次发现想法依然幼稚。

5年后，庆幸有了伴，不用再感到孤单。
不用再说分手。
后来，发现其实追求梦想的路途变得完全不同。
已经不明白，到底是我还是我们了。

想回到过去。
但，我已决定不再伤害你。
我选择离开。
因为相信这是让你快乐的结果。

我放手，不是因为不爱了。
而是因为太爱你，我必须忍痛说再见。

我把心情收拾了起来，
把门关上。
我不会也不懂再爱了。

因为，我知道。。

我的未来只会是我一个人了。

I'm letting go, it's the only way for you to be happy.
You don't have to believe because it's all said after letting go.

I will let you go slowly, if time permits me.
Or I'll just keep on loving, letting the pain eat away my life.
I know I've hurt you badly.

But I really want to make it fair for you.
I need you to be happy.

I'll watch you settle down, have kids and all.
And know it's not with me.
But at least you will be happier.

I will be strong.
I will lock my heart.
I will never love again.

in solitude

2011-03-16T22:05:00.000+08:00

This feeling is awesome! I really am enjoying it.. But everyone's wondering why I'm here. In OL style and sitting all alone at the bus stop. It's really nice to be able to sit somewhere alone. Great feeling to have some time alone for myself.

I'm loving it. Give me 30 mins and I'll head home. I promise...

Add in the swinging of my legs and listening to my music. Mosquitoes shoo! People hush! I'm in my own world:)

This is what I need<3

祝我生日快乐

2011-03-13T15:54:00.000+08:00

昨天，宝贝买了包包给我。害我之前想说的话都吞了回去。
每次都买贵重的礼物。有时，我开始厌倦我们彼此朦胧的逃避。

不停的追寻完美，反而让我开始感到累了。长久的感情要不停的找寻我们的火花，
要不然，会因为淡了而开始疲倦。

我想自由。我不喜欢被绑得紧紧的。
我要飞。带我走。

生日，只代表着成熟的一面。
不可能希望回到过去。

先在，我的目标是什么？
我该放弃吗？

不喜欢的感觉

2011-03-04T17:38:00.000+08:00

因为昨天的评估，我反而更注意言行举止。
根本就不是我嘛！

体会到为什么开始不重要。
理会到被藐视的感觉。

进退两难，我不知道该做什么才好。
局势以变，不再是以前的我。

人，在不同的工作环境下，会变。
变得更坚强，更会耍太极。
我明白了，为了生存，人变了。
可是因为如此，就会害自己不能发挥以往的本能。

把所学到的都带在身边，所以理想变得更远。
导致工作上有障碍。

明白的事实，能让人变得更强吗？
能让人自我反省，自我检讨。

还能改变自己吗？

我在干嘛？

2011-03-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

我不停地问自己，我在干嘛？

我不断地徘徊在原地，没办法理智地思考。
好讨厌这样的我。

因为，世界人物，把我原本的个性给改了。
我不是以前懵懵懂懂的小女孩，我已经长大了。
成熟的解决问题。但还是被认为什么都不会。

每次放学独自回家，我总是放慢脚步，观察四周的人。
猜测他们那天的心情如何，是否每个人都有许多负担。
扛起责任，负责生活的大小事。

累了，回家只想倒在床睡个懒觉。
这社会里，是不可能的。

resigned to fate

2011-02-28T14:59:00.000+08:00

When people are interested, they will try all means to get your attention. And when they don't, no matter how much you try, you will never grab theirs.

I'm glad I managed to have someone to talk to in the office. At least better than stoning and listening to my own music.

But somehow, I feel so lonely. I know it's gotta do with me but I can't help it. I gotta hang on to even that last glimpse of hope.

I need to rediscover my dreams and the ways to achieve them. I must be determined!

Or I'll always resign to fate.

杜弗地铁站

2011-02-22T22:12:00.000+08:00

10点，等待地铁的那一瞬间，有好多的回忆一一浮现在脑海里。

想着以前6点55分等着直往杜弗的地铁，朝学校的方向行驶。
如今，来到这站的目的已经显然不同，晚班的课结束了。
我，正在回家的路程当中。

习惯一个人生活。
每天忙碌的心情往往让我渴望停步的机会。
我，要开始踏上同一道让我吃不消的路。
可是，我却偏偏喜欢上了这样的生活。

喜欢为了自己的梦想而追求的人生。
这，反而是他，或他们，都无法理解的。
请你，陪在我身旁。
为我的害怕而牵着我的手。
我，不可以体会未来没有你的感受。
因为，你是我生命不可或缺的一部分。

抓住我们的幸福。
不要放开双手哦！

永远都是我的错

2011-02-19T11:25:00.000+08:00

每一次都是这样。不管我做得有多好，你总是无意中地责怪我。

读书又要工作，家庭恋人朋友的时间越来越少。我真的很努力了。
告诉自己我可以的，难道我不懂我自己的能力吗？
偏偏是周围的人不断地埋怨。

如果我可以选择，我还是会走这条路。
因为，这是我要追求的未来。

我，不可以放弃。

星期三

2011-02-16T07:36:00.000+08:00

好一个星期三，夹在每个星期的中央，往往让人"百感交集"。不知该庆幸礼拜迅速地到来，还是感到沮丧因为才星期三！

想睡但偏偏开始工作了。不能因为疲倦而再歇一会儿。早晨6点必然要起来，刷了牙，洗个脸。舒适的床又再呼唤着我，又躺了。完了，6点45分了！

冲出家门，急忙追上巴士，又要搭地铁！工作又需要想尽办法解决事物。午餐又点了同样的食物。吃饱了，睡神又来了。傍晚时分，又得收拾包包，准备去上课。

又要挤上巴士。6点到达校门，赶紧往学校食堂用餐，等待朋友的到来。

7点了，上课咯！忙碌了一天难免会有点疲惫。讲师说着说着，已经无法专心听课。
偷眇了同学们，有好几个已经在打瞌睡了！

10点咯！！放课了！咳，又要乘搭巴士地铁，又要与人群互不相让，大家都累了。

回到家，洗完澡，烘干头发，睡觉咯！

好在每星期只需上三天的课。半工半读确实辛苦，但会收益无穷。

写着写着，已经走到了办公司楼下。
好啦，祝大家今天过得愉快！

拜拜！

Solitude

2011-02-12T21:57:00.002+08:00

i AM supposed to be mugging my head off MR and here I am, on the computer and I've wasted two perfectly awesome days - Friday and Saturday.

I am going to start studying in a minute's time and it'll take me 2 hours to complete a chapter, I have 2 more chapters to go. which means I will sleep at 2am.

Procrastinating is my forte, and as I hear how I've wasted 6 hours on the previous 3 chapters and not know what I studied was pretty demoralising.

I will survive if I can survive. I see my HD fly over my head and out the window. How to even absorb if I've left school 1.5 years ago and trying to start anew with more in-depth understanding of modules I've learnt before. Seriously, I am afraid.

It has taken up 45% of my entire life, while 35% went to my work. the remaining 20% is for my family, my friends & my boy. Cut me into 5 parts please. I am getting very tired.

I lost the motivation. And it's been a while since I felt this way.

Goodbye.

me against the music

2011-02-08T17:33:00.000+08:00

I'm on the bus heading to school and I kind of like the typing of entries on my mobile. I've enjoyed penning my thoughts in chinese. Simple words allow me to describe something in further details. Unlike english, different words hold several meanings at one instance.

I haven given myself any well-deserved break as a reward. I guess I'm too much a workaholic and I cannot afford the luxury and time to go abroad. Wish I can, at least there's no need for sacrifices to be made so frequently.

School and work's taking its toll on me and I'm waiting for a chance to break free. Hope it'll be soon. I've been regretting since I stepped in and now, I want out. Is it wrong to do so? Or is it just the fact that I'm not doing what I love?

The sky's darkening, grey clouds covering it up.
Please, let me reach school before it rains and when I go home, let the rain stop.
If it ever comes.

Au revoir.

2011新年快乐！

2011-02-06T14:04:00.002+08:00

我，变了。
不再讨厌拍照。
变得爱美。喜欢自拍。

因为你，我变得更美丽。
因为你，我更会打扮。
因为你，我学会了不同的东西。

谢谢你。

你为我付出的总比我付出得多。
新的一年，有新的体验。
新的obstacles要面对。

我要更坚强，
我们的爱要更坚固。

有你才有现在的我。

愛してる！

当然！进社会工作也遇到了不同的人。
交了新朋友，懂得怎么摆poses。
谢谢你们，我的宝贝们！

脑袋一片空白。。。

2011-01-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

我好累。我又哭了。
想向着大海呐喊，想逃离现在的现实。
我没有不切实际地过着每一天。
可是我也没办法面对这么多起伏。

告诉我为什么世界变了样，
提醒我环境已不一样。
我的梦想离我而去，
我的生活越来越离谱。

时代变了。
人也会变。
但是在人群当中，
一定会有一些永远停留在某个时光。
会有那些希望他人不会有变卦，
希望世界还是他们所梦想的。

好蠢哦，世界不停地在转动，
人永远不停地在改变。

别妄想了。

心情像蒙着一层层的灰雾。。。

2011-01-26T22:06:00.004+08:00

。。仿佛即将发生什么危机似的。

每天不停的倒数，期待下班时间，期待周末的到来。
其实已经厌倦了这种生活状态，已经不能感受到上班的乐趣。
可能因为锁定了目标，所以现实往往与期望有明显的距离。

我，不断地自我催眠。
我，马不停蹄地向前奔跑。
你，埋怨着时间太漫长。
你，开始怨恨命运的安排。
我们，好像消失得无影无踪。
我们，忙碌得忘了贴心地问候。

究竟在追随着什么，
我完全失去了方向。
又再说声累了，
不知是心灵还是体质上。

或者，两者都是。
不管，我意志坚定。
我要达到目的地，就要自己去争取。
谁是胜利者，要看旅程有多长多久。

我要圆满的结局。
我要找回幸福。

往事只能回味

2011-01-25T12:32:00.002+08:00

天空下起雨了，让人茫然中回想往事。。。

今天，办公司挺安静的。因为老板不在！
好烦哦！竟然在这时刻想念以往的喜怒哀乐。
虽然工作环境并没那么理想，但是毕竟所接触的事物是我喜欢的。

工作忙碌，理所当然。
读书辛苦，为的就是那份肯定。
喜欢的并不是最容易的。

我放弃了，就应该往前走。
不该回头了，但真的好怀念有说笑的时间。
现在，我只能一个人解决烦恼问题。
没诉苦的对象了。

我可以回到从前吗？

Anguish

2011-01-02T19:00:00.002+08:00

I really tried my very best to keep my cool and not make any rash decisions.

But somehow, I cant bring myself to stop thinking that they are merely making use of me. Every single thing at this juncture is about getting things for free. Gosh, I'm definitely not used to the fact that there is always the talk about money that makes everyone upset. Sick and tired of that being an issue. Call themselves investors but they seem to lack the ability to work their sums well.

The grass is always greener on the other end. Everyone says that anywhere else is better than T.co but that doesn't seem true anymore. They squeeze you dry literally and exhaust all their resources. This is how they work. They don't take risk, they've never been in any other environment other than E. so why are they restricting so many stuff?

It's definitely driving me crazy. I'm going insane and I hate it that I'm hating my job again. Benefactors? Oh please, mentors? Either my expectations were too high or they are seriously too high & mighty. I am a poly grad but I've seen so much more than you. I tried not to discriminate but you made me do so.

I'm weighing my pros & cons once again. I can sacrifice my weekends for work but definitely not for nitty gritty amendments that are to be changed every nanosecond.

Call me a whiner but yes, this job is definitely not what I had in mind or was promised.

Exhausted

2010-11-07T13:23:00.003+08:00

There's only one me. And so many different things to do at one go.

Everyone wants a piece of me, and I'm very tired.

Mummy has been giving me the shoulder again. All the time, and it's getting on my nerves. I've gone for the interview, helped your company and did what you want and yet, you keep saying I'm not happy there and why go back to somewhere I've left previously. Reason is simple, I want my family to live more comfortably. No car means less commuting outside because everyone's lazy to step out of the house. I admit, car is a convenience and luxury now for us. But it just plainly kills me when they indirectly want me to do things against my wish. The more they disapprove, the more I'll press on.

I'm sick of it. I hate having to endure all these, dislike being the eldest, loathe the negative emotions they always use to guilt-trap me.

I'm plainly fed up with how people want my answers and solutions to their problems. I'm no saint. I'm no wise person. I'm plain ol' me and I just give suggestions, not advice. I don't ask for anything except to have my own time.

If it's so difficult for you and I hate it there, I'll just quit. I can jolly well quit. after all, I don't need to face them after that. You need to give some answers not me.

Late nights have become my way of escaping. Kill me.

Own business

2010-10-07T12:08:00.001+08:00

Setting up a business with little startup resources is a very tedious process.

I'm still struggling and thinking of ways to fully publicise my business but I realise that I may not well be able to proceed further with the limited resources I have. Nevertheless, I shouldn't give up as failure is the mother of success. It's not the countless failures that matter, it's the determination to make it work that will ultimately lead you to success.

However, I am getting abit dejected and my thoughts are leading me astray. I want to stop feeling like that but perhaps, I've seen too much truth in the real world that I find it hard to believe in a miracle.

Please, send me a sign for me to know what to do. I'm still trying.

And I will keep on trying.

Screwed

2010-09-26T14:32:00.002+08:00

Being out of job makes me more inclined to let my thoughts run astray. I'm very tired. I've planned stuff but they don't even work out.

I'm mad at myself for screwing my life up and down and at the same time, just plain upset that being vocal has made me pay a hefty price.

I'm disappointed because i've hoped, really hoped that things had changed for the better. perhaps, i've treated people way better than that that I'm feeling sad I wasn't treated the same. I'm trying to do things but no one is supportive. I want to stop all these nonsense but perhaps, i find it hard to trust.

And therefore, I erred. because of trust that I couldn't obtain in this state of mind. I understood the behaviour and henceforth, braced myself for it. and when it really does happen, i feel upset that i wasn't proven wrong.

I've contemplated doing crazy stunts to release myself from those emotional vibes.
I just want to hide. Sit in a corner and just stone there for all i care.

Perhaps, i've been alone for too long...

Resigned

2010-09-22T22:57:00.002+08:00

This is what happens when life gets you down and you don't have the excitement to keep it going up.

You feel despondent, dejected, depressed and anger arises everytime things don't go your way.

You realise that you need to work against tight deadlines because then, they will make you channel all your concentration to that particular urgent task.

Gosh, you miss the deadlines part because you miss the challenge of coming up with something at a snap of fingers or within a very short period of time.

Yet, doing such stuff can be very taxing for your health. So in the end, just go ahead and do something else instead - sit back and relax. You will still be the ultimate winner/loser no matter what you do.

So enough of the philosophical part, i'm exhausted and i really am wishing things would turn out otherwise. selfish but yes, sometimes i wish we can just end it there and then. It might turn out for the better.

Gotta start reading up on marketing books if I want to keep up with work and studies. Please, let me love marketing again.

Depressed

2010-09-15T11:59:00.002+08:00

Something's gotten into me these days and I flared at even the dearest person to me. I pushed him away and I just thought of keeping a barrier around me to protect myself. I am THAT selfish. But I can't help it.

The society has forced me into such a predicament. Where once I could speak my mind and stand firm for my rights, I realised that it is no longer possible to do so.

I want to pursue my dreams, my passion but these won't bring food to the table. I need concrete, practical solutions to resolve my situation and I hate it.

I loathe the fact that I can't do what I really want to and freedom of speech? Uh-uh.
Let me rant, let me scream, let me hide within your arms and cry myself to sleep.
Perhaps, working has made me realise that females are indeed much more difficult to work with. Because I've become one of them females who need efficiency and contribution in my life.

P.O

2010-09-12T22:42:00.002+08:00

Been so freaking busy with that helluva yoghurt competition that I find it hard to keep calm. Lately, I've been feeling out of sorts. Prolly due to the fact that it's a grumpy moody period or rather to the fact that I'm always the one making decisions or being vocal about what I want or do.

I hate it when people question me on my ability and I want to prove them wrong.
I get disappointed when the people I do care about and trust the most or give a second chance to just doesn't seem to fulfil what I really want.

I'm sick and tired of it. It's always this feeling that gets me down in the doldrums and I want to get out.

Maybe instead of focusing on my passion, I really have to do what's best for the future and consider the people who'll be most affected by my decision - my family.

I don't like to consider the consequences of my actions, because I know that it's the opposite of what I really want and it will always stop me from doing things that I feel passionate about.

Oh geez, the part where passion and following your dreams bring you nowhere turns out to be quite true.

Life totally sucks.

BACK!

2010-09-07T15:41:00.001+08:00

It's driving me crazy! the way people make friends for their own advantage. And disappointment always arise when friends don't meet expectations or when you realise that they contradict themselves.

true friends will say how they feel not hide it but i don't know what to do!!!

I need to lose 4kg in 2 months' time as a bet with baby! good luck to me!

I want to do more sports. I miss playing and meeting my friends. I miss the fact that life would be so exciting despite the neverending deadlines. sucks to be freeloading right now=(

cherios

Need a break

2010-08-19T12:24:00.002+08:00

Been a while since I've blogged I guess. Got tied up with assisting Mr DS, the yoghurt competition and trying to juggle my stuff isn't working out well enough for me.

Pretty much procrastinating all this while and I know I shouldn't be doing so. Just feeling a tinge of sadness when I realised recently that she don't care two hoots about me. Or probably, she doesn't even bother. I'm disappointed at the way she sees things. But, nobody can be the ideal person you want them to be.

So anyway, I've recently took to reading my friends' blogs and some were pretty good! I'm very impressed with Jo's writing and I took DS' advice and complimented her. hahaha.

I have so much to write but now, I don't even know how to. I figured I should start having a vblog or probably record what I want to type instead. At least, the task is much easier than recalling the stuff you want to share and penning it down.

I'm not very good at writing but I love writing. I love the way the words express different emotions of mine and convey the intended messages across to the involved parties.

I love short meet-ups and I love time spent with loved ones. It doesn't have to be an entire day of fun, a mere 1-2 hours is sufficient. It makes you yearn for the next get together because you have something to talk about still.

Au Revoir.

With much ado..

2010-08-02T14:21:00.002+08:00

Had fun at the sundown festival but it was very tiring. Work for T.Co was never relaxing and even though I enjoyed working for events, the demanding aspect was never much accepted.

And so, had a bout of sore throat after that. Headache and baby had to pacify my grumpy self. Finally managed to catch some rest only to be awaken for mich's birthday treat. The much raved about Inception wasn't as nice as I've expected it to be. Likewise for Despicable Me. Only a few parts were fascinating but that's about it. Usually I'll be quite hyped about movies but lately, not much stuff actually amuses me.

Oh ya, speaking of which, I'm supposed to be like star struck if a JPop star shook my hand but the minute he let go and walked off. I freaked out and felt so disgusted. Usually I'll be like, OH MY TIAN! but nope, not this round.

Perhaps expectations were too high for me and I've pretty much lost interest in anything except being a female otaku. hmmm.

So I'm searching for a new BFF and found one in transition. Hopefully we'll be good=) haha.

Not working is taking its toll on me. No income is a hard thing. No shit but at the same time, everyone expects something from me when they aren't providing productive feedback.

Cherios.

Letting Go

2010-07-30T12:37:00.000+08:00

It's not always easy to let go of things. Hopefully, I've learnt my lesson and really should just give up this friendship if it is really not worth my time.

I've wasted precious time trying to fathom what went wrong and I realised that the problem doesn't lie with me. It's with the friend who doesn't want to clarify things.

So be it.

On a side note, boyfriend is having a helluva time in camp and I'm using his facebook to play my games and assisting him in his.

Printing out tuition materials for miko as well. Getting exhausted. Perhaps I'm too used to running away from my problems that I can't seem to really get started on the various things I said I want to do. Oh well.

Please shed some light!

I need an Answer

2010-07-27T09:00:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since i confide my fears and expose my weaknesses to anyone. Perhaps my strong-willed & independent nature prevented me from doing so. Term of bff is a long ago thing and now, it has taken on a new meaning which I need to accept wholeheartedly before really understanding what has been going on.

There should never have been any doubts when it comes to calling someone that. There should always be trust/faith or whatever you call it. By speculation, it'll unwittingly hurt the person.

I erred and so I learnt. And I've gotta stop taking things too seriously, it makes me more grumpy and yet, I know that I have to because the responsibilities I shoulder is different from the many close friends I have. Different environment, different situation.

And know what, behind that steely exterior, I gotta admit that I am indeed too protective of myself, henceforth, I find it hard to trust anyone, thus the misunderstandings.

A bad habit of mine, which I now know clearly, that I must kick off. Please help me.

I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to be too serious and depressed every single waking moment of my life. And behind that cheerful poser, is actually li'l old me who longs for someone real tight.

Ja ne.

Wondering

2010-07-26T13:12:00.002+08:00

I hate it when things don't go my way and as planned. Of course, I meant those unpleasant turnouts.

As I recall what I've gone through the past few years, having to make important decisions and face the consequences. I feel that time isn't fair to me.

I want to do so many things but I'm not permitted to do it. A pity.

I'm exhausted and I wish I didn't have to make choices or alter my decisions.

Either I do this, or I do that.

God, please send me some signs.

On a side note, I miss my bff. I miss being able to talk to someone about anything. Just anything at all. But it'll never be the same. ever again.

Au Revoir.

Enough is enough

2010-07-24T10:38:00.001+08:00

I just don't get it. I really don't.

And I'm sick and tired of it. Exhausted from all these.

We're merely in a state of comfort. I hate it.

Stop it please. If not, don't even think about it anymore.

I wish.... something will happen. You wait.

Obsession with Beauty

2010-07-23T09:04:00.002+08:00

Everyone wants to be goddamn pretty and suave and they buy all kinds of beauty products, do all kinds of stunts just to get that look and to be honest, not everyone can pull it off.

The already pretty ones just get to further enhance their assets and those that are just average get to do the same. But those that people discriminate, to some, you are beautiful. to others who already have a bad impression of you, nothing matters. you're just plain ...

It's pretty sad. People usually say that you should always thank people when they shower you with compliments. And yet, it's natural reflex to say:"no la, you must be wrong." when people do praise you eventually. but in fact, you're just secretly pleased.

Especially those older folks, they tend to tell your parents that you are getting more pretty/handsome, got gf/bf not, blah blah blah. The standard conversations that people go for nowadays. When they meet in the market or at the void deck. Your parents would be darn right pleased but they wouldn't express it out.

It's seriously human nature the way we act sometimes according to the situation.

Enough about that, boyfriend told me about this pretty lady and I'm like reading her blog and blogshop and behind her pretty face, there's actually this rebellious yet protective streak. Independence, I quite like it. But too much independence pushes others away from oneself. At the end, it will not do you any good to carry on being that way.

People yearn for freedom, people yearn to not rely on others. I'm one of them.
And I've often told the boy that I can't comply to his beliefs, because sweetnothings are not what I would say. Because of what I went through, I learnt to be independent and strong and it's actually going astray. It shouldn't be.

I have to stop with this independence thing, I'm not superwoman so don't rely on me for solutions just because I'm more vocal.

Oh yes, and I'm prolly one of the few girlfriends who encourages their boy to look at girls they think are pretty. This is acceptable only if the girl mentions the pretty one first, if the boy comments first, you will definitely smell vinegar. That's hilarious.

Au revoir.

Starting a business

2010-07-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

I want to start a business. And I roped more people. Is it the right choice?

I'm worried. Because I'm quite strong-headed.

I want it to work but I don't like to share.

Please let me learn as time goes by. I need to.

Brand New Beginning

2010-07-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

It seems like a lot of things are awaiting my execution and I'm starting to lose my way amongst the many decisions i've to make.

Freaking confounded. I wish there's some directions for me to follow.

I'm a happy yet moody girl. AGAIN!

さようなら！

2010-07-16T20:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a good one year and the journey had its ups & downs. I'm glad I had the chance to experience it. At least, it helped me mature along the way and opened my eyes to the realistic working society.

Overwhelmed with mixed emotions, I took a step into the place I called office and with each step along the way, I began to recall, just the simple little things that used to make me do all sorts of funny things.

No one likes saying goodbye, therefore, it's a "see you again". My first job and a memorable one too. The friends I've made along the way.

With a heavy heart, I waved goodbye, and carried what's left of my belongings, stepping out to breathe in that pleasant scent of freedom.

How wondrous it is, but at the same time, melancholy struck as I know it might take effort to maintain the close relationships with my office khakis. Please, let it tide through as I'm bound to whimper and tear.

However, I'll soon sober up as I know I need to embrace the challenges ahead and start a brand new chapter in my life.

Au Revoir=)

Taking a deep breath

2010-07-10T14:04:00.002+08:00

I went to work when I was supposed to be on leave. It seems as though it is the norm in the company. And indeed, people assumed I was there to stay for the rest of the day till I said I'm only back for the meeting which lasted 2 hours and upset all my plans.

Hmmm, people say I'm stupid to actually head back and that I shouldn't bother helping. It's my business. I want to offer my help because I won't turn my back on the people who helped groomed me even though it wasn't a pleasant journey.

I think it's very intriguing how the human mind works and how relationships determine one's actions.

They've often said that too much sweetness isn't good. I agree. But somehow, I just wish that all those rants will just stop because I'm totally sick of having to make decisions every single time a conflict occurs.

Best part is, I'm always relied on making decisions as though I've the solution to things. Or rather, I'm purely a scapegoat. I'm just made used of because people pretend that they are not able to make any choices and when the time comes and something major happens, I'll take the blame for it. haha. smart move.

In life, it's the same. Not the blame issue but the fact that people seem to think I can give them answers they can't find and that I'm able to phantom their thoughts. Oh please, if I were that good at analysing people, I wouldn't be nowhere and would have gone on to further studies in psychology which I find interesting but seriously, that's not what I want ultimately.

I had this string of thoughts just yesterday and then, all of a sudden, it vanished like it never even exist before. Pretty funny because I kept telling myself to remember and not forget what I wanted to pen down. Hmmm, perhaps it's just not meant to be kept but only for pondering purpose.

I want to draft out my future plans and yet, I fear. That's it. I don't want to feel scared anymore. I don't want to seek comfort behind my blanket. I want to step out and be more daring in making life-changing decisions.

I'm fed up. My head hurts again=(

Define Ma Cherie~

2010-07-07T21:01:00.002+08:00

Breaking record and updating twice within a week.

Probably because I'm going through a new phase and feeling a little disoriented.
I'm so exhausted after planning to close this chapter in my life. Perhaps that's why I'm having mixed emotions. I feel disgruntled at work, and even with the boy. Been throwing tantrums and not being able to appease them in time. I'm getting out of hand.

I just wish I know what I want and can want. I don't want to be alone but I can't help feeling that it would be for the best. Ultimately, I'm too independant that when I start to make choices, I push people away from me. I don't know if it's pride or just fear. Fear of losing or being exposed to the fact that I won't be able to give more than I can receive.

I thought I've made the right sacrifices and I assumed that people would feel it and be grateful or touched and thereafter, proceed accordingly to what I predicted them to do. However, when it doesn't, I start to wonder if I'm clinging on too tightly that the person can't breathe.

Sick and tired of hating myself but I just can't help it. I want to learn to love and be loved whole-heartedly. But I'm not doing the same. Therefore, I can't.

Attachment

2010-07-06T18:05:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling that attachment to the firm. Even though, I've given my notice to them. THat part of me that tells me I'm missing out on major events is pulling at my heart. I wanted the chance to learn, to grow, to better myself in the process of utilising my forte. I like to plan, I like to organise and when I do, I like to make it big-scale.

However, it's prolly time for me to take a break from it. If I keep telling myself I should take the opportunity to get more out of those chances, I will never be able to partake in other activities and will be attaching myself to the company.

It's time to let go. Melissa, I know it's hard. With all the friends, the help you received in there, with all the chances to grow and absorb more knowledge and skills. I'm leaving the comfort zone in a week's time. Unbearable because of that feeling of longiness. But I'll overcome it. Because I'm me, and I know I must step out of the comfort zone in order to take a step forward, never looking back.

I must stick to my principles. And when I turn back, I can smile and say "Hey, I've made the right choice. This is what I've always wanted. I'm not going to devote my whole life to stay in my comfort zone, growing old with what I've grown used to. It's time to think of what the future holds for me and dream big."

It's always the great dreamers that achieve big things.

I want to be one of them.

YOU CAN DO IT.
がんばって、めりっさ！

Life-Changing Decision

2010-06-27T14:32:00.001+08:00

I made a major decision that I hope I won't regret. Was given the chance to think through on Thursday but decided against accepting the seemingly better route. I chose the alternative, and now i've gotta face the reality.

Of course, I wouldn't know what the future holds for me but I know that I gotta make things work my way if I want my dreams to come true. I would perhaps, grow and learn from this.

Embarking on a new journey was never in the plan, I always foresee my future or predict it before making choices. And in this way, people are amazed at how focused I am in what I want. HOwever, that inner fear of losing my sense of direction never fails to come back and haunt me. Making the right decision at that point seems the right thing to do, but having to face reality sooner than expected isn't something pleasant after all.

I've slogged and it's time to close this chapter in my life. I'm gonna start a new chapter and this time, I really hope I'm able to see it through. How I've always visualised it to be.

It really takes major things to happen or seeing what others are going through, to really make a decision on what you really want out of life. And also, it definitely makes you grow with maturity.

I know, because I've grown. I just wished I had lesser responsibilites and I totally wished I can turn back time to be young again. Free from worries.

Ja ne.

Making Decisions

2010-06-24T00:18:00.002+08:00

Often in life, we start to wonder what kind of decisions we have to make and the consequences of making them.

And very often, we get held back from administering the decision because of external factors. Or even because some things just happen at that point of time where you decide that maybe you should postpone the execution of your decision.

I'm gonna make a decision that I know I won't regret but I shall have to start bracing myself against the consequences I have to face. And this time around, I'll make sure I do it instead of empty words.

O To Ka Jo?

2010-06-10T22:34:00.002+08:00

I came across this today on Facebook, shared by Pamela. I thought it was meaningful and then I proceeded to send it to Allena and Baby.

人生就是为了找寻爱的过程，每个人的人生都要找到四个人。
第一个是自己，
第二个是你最爱的人，
第三个是最爱你的人，
第四个是共度一生的人..

首先会遇到你最爱的人，然後体会到爱的感觉；
因为了解被爱的感觉，所以才能发现最爱你的人；
当你经历过爱人与被爱，学会了爱，才会知道什么是你需要的，
也才会找到最适合你，能够相处一辈子的人。

但很悲哀的，在现实生活中，这三个人通常不是同一个人；
你最爱的，往往没有选择你；
最爱你的，往往不是你最爱的；
而最长久的，偏偏不是你最爱也不是最爱你的，
只是在最适合的时间出现的那个人。

你，会是别人生命中的第几个人呢？
没有人是故意要变心的，他爱你的时候是真的爱你，
可是他不爱你的时候也是真的不爱你了，
他爱你的时候没有办法假装不爱你；
同样的，他不爱你的时候也没有办法假装爱你。

当一个人不爱你要离开你，
你要问自己还爱不爱他，
如果你也不爱他了，千万别为了可怜的自尊而不肯离开；
如果你还爱他，你应该会希望他过得幸福快乐，
希望他跟真正爱的人在一起，绝不会阻止，
你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已经不爱他了，
而如果你不爱他，你又有什么资格指责他变心呢？

爱不是占有，
你喜欢月亮，不可能把月亮拿下来放在脸盆里，
但月亮的光芒仍可照进你的房间。
换句话说，你爱一个人，也可以用另一种方式拥有，
让爱人成为生命里的永恒回忆，
如果你真爱一个人，就要爱他原来的样子─爱他的好，也爱他的坏：
爱他的优点，也爱他的缺点，
绝不能因为爱他，就希望他变成自己所希望的样子，
万一变不成就不爱他了

真正爱一个人是无法说出原因的，
你只知道无论何时何地、心情好坏，你都希望这个人陪著你；
真正的感情是两人能在最艰苦中相守，也就是没有丝毫要求。
毕竟，感情必须付出，而不是只想获得；
分开是一种必然的考验，
如果你们感情不够稳固，只好认输，
真爱是不会变成怨恨的。

两人在谈情说爱的时候，
最喜欢叫对方发誓，许下承诺我们为什么要对方发誓，
就是因为我们不相信对方，我们根本不相信情人，
而这些山盟海誓又很不切实际：
海枯石烂、地老天荒，都不能改变我对你的爱!
明知道海不会枯、石不会烂、地不会老、天不会荒。
许下诺言的时候千万注意，不要许下可以实现的诺言，
最好是承诺做不到的事，
反正做不到的，随便说说也不要紧，
请记住：'不可能实现的诺言最动人'
在爱情里，说的是一套，做的是另一套；
讲的人不相信，听的人也不相信。

你呢？找到了第几个？
茫茫人海中，你遇见了谁？谁又遇见了你？

Aside from that, work was hellish. I got accused of something which I didn't do or in actual fact, I was hoping someone would notice about it and comment which is why i did it frequently but definitely because of work issues.

Nobody would care if you've done something good. Everyone will start to care when you did something bad. Go ahead, if you are smart enough to even jeopardise your own rice bowl. I won't and if you want to spill the beans untruthfully, I will oblige and join you in the game. After all, my conscience is clear.

I'm exhausted at work and I've realised I'm just a social butterfly. I flit from flower to flower. But I don't like the fact that one can easily give up friends who stuck by you for those who threw you to one side the minute they could only to realise later that it's all not what they think it is.

Why am I still here? I often question myself. And the sad thing is I'm here for the wrong reasons.

direction in life

2010-05-13T09:45:00.002+08:00

I am starting to reconsider my direction in life. It's pretty hard for me to move forward in such a situation, what with the different kinds of instructions being conveyed to me and the confusion as to people's sincerity.

I've lost faith recently in people I thought I knew pretty well. Turns out everyone's been a wacko and believes that I'm too nice to retaliate. Unfortunately, working has nurtured me into a damn bitchy catty person so I'm prepared for anything in life. Be it the superficiality I'll be facing or the underhand means used to push someone upwards.

Freaking sick of it if you ask me how I feel. I jolly well need to take some time off. I've been working non-stop since July last year and never had enough rest. Okay, I admit I've been playing hard ever since I turned 21 this year. However, I'm entitled to enjoy myself while I'm alive right? I'm not a workaholic like most people I know who are working. They can come back on Saturdays, work till 12mn or 4am in the morning before heading home and then coming back to work at 8am or 12nn.

Disorder is bound to empower the environment and the people because prejudism is somehow practised, not only here but worldwide. Let it go you bitches, I had enough and I don't need you to teach me how to. I'm just counting the hands on the clock to tide over this period and awaiting the ultimatum that is yet to come.

Thank you for teaching me to be a better bitch. You make me feel proud of myself for being a competent person so that I have the confidence to brave the world and what's to come in the future for me. I am adamant about pursuing what I want and all thanks to you, I really know what I want and how I can achieve it, both the right and unorthodox way.

If...

2010-05-10T22:40:00.002+08:00

If I have the chance, I would definitely go overseas to study or work because at least it is a challenge i know i have to overcome alone.

However, it's not likely to come true because i will never be given the opportunity to spread my wings and soar above the sky.

If I had the chance, I would definitely venture elsewhere where the grass is greener and welcome the new beginning and experience the things I want to follow through.

I'm disappointed and hurt. I can take care of myself. I just don't show it because I need more time to think through things.

You've made me who I am today, because I am afraid...

think twice and wisely

2010-05-03T21:29:00.002+08:00

It's been quite a while since I've last blogged. Many things have happened ever since and people came and went.

I heard stories from the grapevine and then I heard more. I tried to shut it all out but to no avail. Everything comes back and entangle me in the dreaded threads of messy connections.

Sometimes, I wonder why people are treating me this way and then I realise that they don't think much of me. Pisses me off that I'm just treated with no respect.

Recently, I was assigned more tasks with bigger responsibilities and then the outcome wasn't that desirable as it made me feel that I need to rethink my direction in life. I don't seem to have a knack for what I want to pursue or maybe I don't have the needed experience to overcome all the odds that I will encounter through the journey of finding what I really want.

Is this the route for me? Am I cut out for it? Where did creativity go to? I think it ran away ever since I have become unhappy.

I derive pleasure from spending time with friends and debating with my family. But most of all, I miss the boyfriend.

I miss my grandma and my aunt. I miss going to perth when my aunt was still alive and still there for us. Now, it's just the land of ungratefulness with that bitch.

freaking bi-atch

2010-04-15T23:18:00.002+08:00

It seems like only yesterday that we took those tin cans and stood at kovan to carry out our flag day dutifully. The amount of food consumed that day was a competition between who could eat the most. And then the group of bengs/lians that we met and that group of us didn't stick together eventually. We went our separate ways.

Now, those that should be in army are serving their roles accordingly while those who should be studying, studying; those working, working.

Pros and cons have been weighed as to what area should one focus on or where to progress to. I got a little sick of working. And yet, studying seems to be very far away, as though i'm not meant to belong with them.

Friends are all either busy with army, studying or working and seldom, you'll get the chance to stop, take a rest and gossip or chit chat to nobody's business.

I'm pretty fed up with this particular person. She thinks that just because she's still a kid, she can do whatever she likes and won't get punished for it. Under the common law, a person is considered as any singaporeans/prs who are living in singapore. the law protects all. even though it's still pretty much a lawful country, some smart alecs will always try to outsmart the system. Sad to say, she didn't know that she can be sued for defamation because of the derogatory terms used on another being with no base as evidence. If i can sit on you, i will because you jolly well need someone to put you into place. you are purely jealous of someone else who earns popularity because of the way she is and not because she wants it. It just so happens that her character falls into the "in" crowd. You are such a coward that I totally despise you. And yet, I can do nothing because the victim is pretty gracious enough to prevent me from doing anything to jeopardise your life or my future. thank you. However, i'll be so kind as to warn you that i'm keeping my eyes on you. It'll be the last straw when I see the next insult you hurled at her. I'll be watching so you better be scared. you freaking bi-atch.

WORK WORK WORK. I've been seriously sick these past few days. and yet, i'm trying to keep the news spreading to the minimal. I'm not telling anyone how sickly i am. I just know that I will dislike the look that people will be giving me and that I won't be able to retaliate with a look of my own because i'm too busy caring about how to save my sorry ass from dropping and dying on me when I die.

I've been reminded of my sweetheart because of the times we shared during some good old days that I can remember when I happen to have the free time to. It really feels good and I've come to realise that he loves me way more than I do him so I'm always going to fail him as I'll never be able to surpass his expectations.

Au Revoir. I knew I had something to add on. Just cant locate that little puzzle of mine.

I WANT TO GET OUT!

2010-03-30T21:01:00.002+08:00

I'm sick of all these talk about money and filial piety. So sick of it.

Money is definitely the root of evil.

I'm so exhausted. I want to release and escaping from the down-ness that has yet to befall upon us.

Ciao.

Swallowed by own fear

2010-03-29T22:25:00.002+08:00

I wish I'm staying near the beach. So that when I'm feeling down, I can just jump across the fence and go for a stroll.

I often think to myself how people always say nice things this minute and awful things the next. Wondering how superficial can human beings get. But then, I'm in no position to say anything because I'm one of them.

I try to hide my fear, try to stay strong. But strong people actually need to expose their emotional fears as well. They can't always hang on because they know it's not the truth and they refraining from believing.

It's getting harder to believe. it's getting harder to hope.

And, it's getting harder to remain positive.

If it really happens, it's meant to be that way. Make the right decisions that you know you shouldn't regret later or in the near future.

Au revoir.

Missed

2010-03-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

All that longiness, all that bittersweet memories.
All the love that we had, and more that we will create.
All the joy and laughter, all the tears that was shed.
All the troubles we made, all the problems we faced.

We've weathered rain & storm, what's this to us?
We're gonna be okay, we're gonna be forever.
Just don't say the words and we'll gonna last till the end of time.

Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day.

I've gotten a wee bit emo lately, what if something happens?
Pretty random, but I've been taking chances lately.
Should I even do all that and make his heart break?

I'm a good girl. I'm a strong girl.
I know that. And I will make it come true.

10 more days!

21st Birthday

2010-03-07T19:12:00.002+08:00

Why on earth do people bother to make a big fuss out of 21st Birthday? The hassle of planning everything even when you've no time is enough to kill you. And because you're supposed to be the person planning, you're supposed to be pro at it. Just 'cos you have the freaking experience to do so.

I'm sick of all these assumptions. Yes, help needed but so what? End up everything is your own fault if you screw it up.

Many a times i told myself to control and stop being so indecisive. But if I really have to invite people to the party, I've to seriously list down everyone. It made me realise how insignificant my presence in the world is. Disappointment at the fact that those very friends couldn't make it and yet, still have to pretend that you're okay with it.

I don't want to be strong anymore. I don't want to be so grudge-ful. I just want to be me who don't care!

ARGH! Can you please stop restricting my every move? I'm a grown-up and I know what to do.

Exhausted

2010-03-04T22:52:00.001+08:00

Having to explain myself umpteen times to people who've not gone through this, i'm getting pretty weary. I don't like to explain myself all the time when i've already explained it once and you should have understood.

But then, you didn't.

Time & time again. this is happening time & time again. shedding tears for god knows what. I don't know who i am anymore. i don't like me anymore.

why have i become like that?

au revoir.

melancholic

2010-03-03T23:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, people who have no contact with people in the marketing industry would not understand how tedious the marketing side can be. I'm so exhausted from offering help that is not requited, and having to settle stuff which should be dictated to me.

I want to rest, I want to stop for a longer period of time. I'm so weary. I need to find a way to resolve this. Or i'll have no life, no rs, no family.

Please tell me, when will it stop? who will understand!? everyone's freaking reprimanding me. hais.

Au revoir.

Filled with a sense of melancholy

2010-02-24T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm such a depressing soul when I always think through things too long and too hard. I tend to start contradicting myself as well.

Oh well, and the guy is going army on 6th March and i'm invited to go say goodbye to him at the venue itself. I should most likely be strong enough to brace myself against the sadness that will envelope the place.

Hopefully, 2 weeks will pass soon. I should be a happy girl soon because 2 years will pass fast!!!! Please let it be this way.

studies, work, life are pretty confusing and juggling them would be a hassle and tough thing to do.

should or should not?

i'm a happy but sick girl now.

Chinese New Year

2010-02-16T18:13:00.002+08:00

The year of the Tiger, a blink of the eye and we're into the next lunar year which, hopefully, is good for everyone.

The first day of CNY marks the special day in the western calendar - valentine's day. baby gave me a braun buffel wallet in RED! told him not to purchase any expensive items for me already but he is still pampering me.

I know it's his way of showering attention on me but I rather he spend more time with me. Working is the bane of our lives. Work has taken so much time that sometimes, it seems as though i'm just all alone with no worries.

Women are easily satisfied with small yet significant gifts like a stalk of rose, a simple uttering of the infamous 3 words, or just a handmade gift. Yet guys believe that only showering expensive gifts on their partners would be deemed as caring for them. How M can that be!?

Sometimes when giving subtle hints, it's pretty obvious yet the guys are so insensitive that they tend not to get the hints either. So it's just a waste of energy to hint them. haha.

Pretty exhausted and taxing on our health to constantly hint guys who will never get it. hmmmm. Ladies are always fickle-minded and they expect alot and don't mean what they say. Guys simply don't get it.

Oh well, Chinese New Year was spent experiencing a teensy weeny little bit of angst and then rejoicing over the hongbaos collected and also, it marks the end of a long weekend. Thereafter, my 21st is coming and that excitement keeps behaving erratically, coming and going. And then, melancholy sweeps over and envelope my whole being with the thought that 2 weeks later, i'll not be able to say goodbye ftf to the guy as he embarks on a new journey through army and it'll be 2 years later before I'll know where we stand and what we'll be facing. If we ever last till then.

after all, to us, it's just a mere 6 months together so the attachment shouldnt be so awful. haha.

yea right, 6 months.

oh yea, i'm no longer writing in details about my life. it's becoming pretty long-winded.

ciao!

I have magnimosity

2010-02-12T21:05:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. Just because I decide not to purchase a particular product and switch to something way lesser than the initial choice, you don't have to look down on me. Poor attitude.

i hate it when this happens. dog's eye look people down. literally translated. you think you very atas meh? look yourself in the mirror. from head to toe - nada! no rights to treat people like that. so rude!

valentine's day was a not worth watching movie. it practically takes out any intended excitement and suspense as the story plot is pretty predictable. moreover, there were too many mini stories in the whole plot. pretty complicated relationships.

i'm not celebrating V-Day this year. I didn't celebrate it last year. Sometimes when we want to celebrate something, it's as though we're jinxed. the day will not be smooth at all.

Hyped about the hongbao contents. CNY CNY CNY!!!!

Was a happy girl yesterday - bought my shorts, bought earrings and most importantly, I finally bought a FREAKING BAG!

Au Revoir=)

Resigned to Fate

2010-02-10T22:07:00.002+08:00

So tired i could just nod off and now, i no longer hear the alarm ringing.

it's shocking how i find out more incredulous stuff every day.
wish there was something better i could do.

i think i'm pretty fickle-minded. and i've been money-conscious pretty much lately. I guess when you're planning to study and there's a million things at hand to pay for, you tend to get worried financially.

Of course, i should be refraining from shopping temptations. However, I just cant!?
God knows how much heavier and rounder i've become. Tell me what i can do!!!!!

argh!

not a happy girl today.

Dissed

2010-02-09T22:57:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how advising someone else can make you see the facts and practicality of the situation you're stuck in.

I'm just pretty pissed off by the fact that the roles have been switched. Wanted to just cry or be so mad and yet, it's become something quite common that now, i just feel numbed and resigned to fate.

Is this common to the working crowd? Every single day, doing the same old things, hearing the same old complaints, seeing the same old people, and then, tuning out because you already know each and every speech that's been made.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I'm faced with something like that.

How long more is there to go? I'm abit shagged =(

Thank god for baby=) He fed me my favourite - Japanese cuisine and cajoled me to smile.

It's never easy to make me smile. Empty vessels make the most noise. Those who are noisy are fragile deep down under.

An "I Can't Believe I Did That" Event

2010-02-08T23:22:00.002+08:00

I did a super incredulous thing - I queued for Bak Kwa!

First and the last time in my life. 6 hours for freaking Bak Kwa.

Worth every cent and I'll make sure that everyone savours it as well as I did.

Opportunity cost sia.

I'm so hype-d about my 21st!

Back!

2010-02-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

I'm back from a uber long hiatus!

I'm hungry after working on my template.
I'm sick and tired and I want to get out of this neverending rut!

Hungry! shall go find food.

Note: It's really to welcome myself back=X

Confusion

2009-11-23T21:27:00.002+08:00

I was perplexed. and then confounded. now, i figured i'll better behave and stay calm throughout even though everything is turning out the wrong way for me.

I tried to control my emotions. But yesterday, the urge to cry just overwhelmed me and i teared into my pillow, seeking solace in the serenity of the night.

Perhaps, I've not yet learned how to numb myself against the hidden attacks targeted at me. perhaps, I'm still not accustomed to how conniving a female can be, especially in a female environment.

No one to trust, everyone's a colleague.
I'm way youngest and I've gotten myself bullied because I am too soft-hearted.
I see too much good in a person not worthy of my optimism.

I shall succumb to the evil selfish ways of humankind, and seek to empower those who once condemned me to the gates of hell.

I will survive, not because I am forced to, but because I know I can. I won't let the people who believe in me down. I will show them I'm capable of doing what I cant do.

I'll prove the bloody whole lot of you wrong.

Speech-less

2009-11-03T22:17:00.002+08:00

Haha. I am totally flabbergasted by the results of a working life. and the total experience is different.

I've been covering people's asses for the past few months. i'm sick of it but what to do? peope think i'm too nice to bully.

I'm speechless at the level of thickness a person's skin can be. very amazed.

So many things to type, to say but it's all confidential.

I've learnt my lesson.

I will seek solace in talking to myself.
being emo-ish these past few weeks.
affected by what I hear and see!

good luck to the muggers! and the sloggers!

au revoir!

2009-10-28T20:32:00.002+08:00

I really pity you. Yet, pity is not the word I should use for you because in the first place, you had no respect for people like us.

Ben is rejecting my request to go out because she needs to accompany her bf=( sad sia. everytime ask her everytime kena rejected. sob.

so my sweethot is taking more off days but then now, end up i'm the one tied up because of the festive season and the year-end campaigns.

let's see. we've yet to accomplish the following:
1) go on a picnic
2) sing karaoke
3) him making sushi
4) him making potato salad
5) going overseas
6) me buying him a watch
7) eat buffet
8) eat steamboat
9) sentosa-ing
10) go beach stroll
11) camwhore
12) watch theatre films
13) ...

actually, the other day i remembered everything but now i just forgot the stuff i'm supposed to do with him. haha. nevermind, i shall believe that I'll have alot of time to do these.

ciao=)

More or Less

2009-10-26T22:13:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. The past week was hectic. Basically, thinking about what I should do and deciding on whether I should stick with it because of the relevance to the field I'm interested in.

Of course, there were emo periods I went through. Eventually, I decided to stay on much to everyone's surprise and myself as well. I told everyone I'm not staying at all but then I ended up staying. Irony.

I think sometimes, people just don't know how to talk to others and they use excuses to cover up. Just wish I could be frank. Today many things happened and yet, I seem to be relieve and not feel much. Yes, panicked alot but more or less stabled. Is it because I became kind of slack?

I just need a break for a while. Oh well.

When will I get it?

Au Revoir.

Never felt like this before

2009-10-18T21:03:00.002+08:00

I had great fun with the sec sch khakis on friday even though I dreaded the errand that I had to run. Missed the shopping session I was looking forward to as it was freaking late when we had our dinner.

Baby came and joined us for tau huey at Geylang. Talk about safe. Ya right. My bag weighed a ton because I had the school talk before hand and I brought my shoes along. A total unprepared school talk.

So anyway, I reached home around 2am and I was pretty zonked out. the whole week was spent doing OT at work and it totally pissed me off. Nevertheless, there's 2 weeks left for me to endure. Didn't even have time to spend with my sweethot, partly due to the fact that our jobs don't permit us to meet at the right intervals and time.

I dread work but I know it's a responsibility that I cannot escape from.

So anyhow, went to my cousin's housewarming yesterday and even though their exec. flat was quite small, I really liked the windowside seat. If they added a cushion to it, it'll be a perfect quiet spot for them. haha. I'm romantising for them. cousin-in-law didn't utter a single word to us. either she was busy entertaining her own family or she merely shunned us. shrug.

as you grow older, different things start to affect you. Was out with my dad on an errand and on the way home, I merely commented on a deserted road and he said he used to bring me there when he worked at the site office. And then he asked if I remembered he used to make "pit-stops" by the road to let me relieve myself when I was a kid. Too much information but that part was true. I could never hold my bladder when I was a kid. So you'll often see a car parked by the roadside, even on a highway, because of moi!!! hahaha.

and then I was like, "yea, I remember." and he was like, "so fast 20 years already." okay, one tends to exaggerate. Of course, I couldn't possibly be pee-ing by the roadside 20 years ago because pampers were already invented. But that made me realise how my parents aged. Ignoring the part where they are young at heart and stuff, suddenly, you will see your parents turn gray and grow old and be hit with ailments and etc.

To you, it may not seem significant but everytime, parents are reminded of how fast their babies have grown up. Aunties & uncles will be like, "WOW! so big already arh!" that kind of stuff. I still remember my dad inventing a song specially for me because I was a crybaby, literally, and mum said that everytime my dad sang that song, I will stop crying. Then there was a special hug method created as well but that was like eons ago too!!! OH MY GOD!

Maybe the reason why we escape from going out with them and stuff is because we know we fear. we fear that they will grow old and have to depend on us instead of us depending on them anymore. Regret will come one day when you realise that you are no longer able to care for them. Yet, you cant help feeling the way you feel right now, you cant help feeling that they nag too much and stuff.

Reminiscing may be good once in a while but not too often. One tends to avoid the sensitive issues and it's pretty touche.

Was reading allena's blog and I was hit with that sense of melancholy. I don't know why but somehow, tears just welled up and I can't help sobbing. Not pms so definitely not sudden mood swing.

Just that sense of helplessness when you know you should be doing something to lighten the burdens they are shouldering and waiting for you to take over, yet knowing that you cant.

10 years have passed since I was just 10 years old. Now, I'm 20 and counting. 10 years later, where will I be?

Just like everyone else, I fear growing old..

Moderate Day

2009-10-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

I am feeling gay today. God knows why. Okay, practically someone dropped that bloody freaking bombshell on our heads:"The APP has been postponed because the HQ guy got H1N1."

Hmmm. right, and our OT was wasted. My trip to JP was futile. I was so mad I could just yell and curse but I was pretty civilised so I merely complained in a loud enough volume to make sure that the people involve knows.

So anyway, today was temperamental. And people are practically selfish and okay, my bad as well because I actually ran from the problems by just burying them inside. Voicing it out should be better and it did.

Makes me wonder how far I had come. And I realised that I made countless of friends and people who helped me along the way. Well, literally sucking up was disgusting and revolting and people are actually relying on it to achieve something.

Am I trying to convince myself that some things will change if we believe in it? Being bullied seems to be my talent but I'm stopping it. Hoping for a better day, with my work BFF, struggling to get by the days just by being cheerful & optimistic is totally too exhausting for people like me who hardly am positive-thinking. Fate brings people together and creates special bonds between human and human. I wonder... Will it last? Or will it be a phase that will come and go once I stepped out of this comfort zone and extend my reach far beyond to the unknown?

I'm always reaching out and then every time i reached out, i realised that people are too busy to stop or relax and chat with me. Must it be through blogs & facebook then one will get the desired answers they yearn?

I know how busy everyone is. Exams starting for the uni peeps while the working ones are either OT-ing or too stressed out to even talk. I don't even dare to approach them because I know I'll be waiting for responses that might never come and I hate anticipation.

So I just pray hard that time will help me pass this horrid phase in my life and hope that my life right now will turn better.

I know I'm all into that BFF bullshit but I think it's very funny. At least I found someone I can talk to about stuff that I used to pour out to my khakis. Not a replacement. I'm merely waiting for them to be less busy and to tell me they can relax.

In the meantime, I will seek solace in hiding behind that facade and sharing life's anecdotes with that girl at work. that girl i'm nicknaming BFF right now. lol! it has that nice catch. but it's for easy reference! haha. it'll be nice if it is but too bad i know the truth.

cherios=)

Mad at myself

2009-10-10T13:20:00.002+08:00

I broke my own records because I actually OT-ed till 10+++ with benjawan ching. and jia xi also helped. it's freaking unjust world out there and i'm super mad that i'm too soft-hearted.

at the end of the day, when i request for help, no one will help me because of their own selfish reasons. when it isn't our fault, we have to bear all the responsibilities because our position entitles us to bullying. WOW!

yea, whatever. I just need to endure 3 more freaking weeks of hell and i'm out of there. FOR GOOD. never have I encountered such terrible situations until now, and I'm utterly disappointed.

I had 2 days of MC and the thought that after it I've tons to do with no one to help me, I literally skipped another day of rest and headed back to work.

I'm so sick and tired of helping people clear their mess. and hearing the kind of bullshit going around the office, I just freaking prayed I'll be let out asap. I help people okay but people help me, not okay.

Of course, being sick don't mean you will gain sympathy but isn't it all for one and one for all?

Guess what? I have to go all the way down to JURONG POINT on a nice SATURDAY just to
pass something to the store when I'm staying so far from that fucking place.

Because no one wants to go there and I'm the only stupid person who shoulders that responsibility onto myself. And so, why complain when I'm sick right? I deserve it.

Mark my words. I will stop all this nonsense once the time comes. I despise you all. You're not worth my caring and worrying because I don't believe in the promises you make to me.

Au revoir.

Reminiscience

2009-10-03T21:19:00.002+08:00

Went out with the sec sch female khakis. had an interesting time with them. I miss that bantering among us. had a super fulfilling lunch @ soup spoon with them and then we went walking around. then the 21st birthday was broached and we got hyped about what theme cherlyn should choose. haha. bound to be happening. haha.

then was thinking about my own and wanted a particular theme for it. they got me excited about my next birthday but if i were to be practical and realistic, dinners with the various cliques would be sufficient, though there's no fun in it.

I wish I can do something about it. 5 months away. damn, i'm quitting my job and then i won't have any income and how the hell do i come up with a unique way of celebrating? maybe i should just ignore that pang of excitement i want to have.

had a HTHT with chew zi wei and it made me remember the sweet memories with baby. HTHT makes a person think back and recall good ol' days. wishing that things remain the same or become better.

But, life doesn't always go your way. haha. hmmm.

the reason why i don't tell everyone who ask me how i am the reason why i'm feeling that way is because i don't want many people to know the real reason behind certain things. but somehow, being in a clique means that word will get around even when you don't want to tell certain people. next time, i'll tell people: don't say anything to anyone else please.

but i know some will just ignore.

oh well. i'm freaking going into ord mode soon. please let the month pass quickly but i'm sure as hell going to miss benjawan ching and the embarrassing, bitchy, pissed off moments we experienced together. we weathered rain and storm and we're going to part like in 1 freaking month's time. hahaha.

ciao.

Enlightened

2009-10-01T21:07:00.002+08:00

I made my decision today even though I struggled internally with the conflicting interests I possessed. I believe that everything happens by fate. I was fated to meet these people at work and I should be thankful that I gained alot from the short stint I worked there.

I had alot of stuff I wanted to pen down, or rather, type out but due to unforeseen circumstances like fatigue and despondence, I forego the chance to spill anything.

I miss everyone awfully loads. even the amazing people who crossed my path and became mere acquaintances.

I'm trying to do my best but the job seriously overwhelms a person so nada, I decided to take one step at a time. I'll let fate decide on my future. HAHA. joking, i'll make decisions when the time comes for me to do so.

I'm so going to miss some of my colleagues. They've been the reason I survived my whole contract period. Good people goes. Oh well.

Cherios. I'm freaking tired. And I miss my tree.

Confusion

2009-09-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

Had a bad tummy ache and right now, i just want to go to sleep.

Awful loads to ponder about today. Things happened so fast I thought I was dreaming. But then, I realised I'm not.

There comes a time when I've to make decisions in life that I totally loathe. But I can't stop others from making the very decisions I don't want them to make.

As I open myself up and bare my heart and soul, these very people start to distant themselves away because we no longer have common topics and we don't meet that very often anymore.
Sad thing is they've been so busy that a single "hi" might even be hard to come by. Trying to initiate a conversation has made me feel so lethargic I run away from even reaching out because I know I can't do anything to ease the frustrations they have, I can't share what I'm confused about with them because they are already troubled with their stuff and there are hardly ample time to tell all.

Everyone moved on, but I just miss the good old days where tons of funny anecdotes can be conjured for me to share with others. I loved those days.

And now, I have to be contented that I need to make sacrifices to make things work. not for me, but for the people around me. I'm struggling like a fish thrown onto the land, slowly flapping my body, trying to reach for the water that will envelope me and protect me from danger. But that's just wistful thinking, I've seen the bigger picture, or rather, I've seen the consequences of decisions that are made that will involve me as well.

I am learning to let go, learning that things do not go my way, and trying to make it all right. Yet, people one way or another, tend to put you in a difficult position, even though they insist that they are not doing so.

I need to get out, but yet, I've no shelter or protection.

I'm left to fend for myself. I have to survive. Because only I can save myself.
I want to cry to my heart's content... But where to cry?
I want to run and hide... But where can I go?
I want to pour out my emotions... But who can I reach?
I want to smile... But what's the reason for smiling?

I'm sick and tired of myself. Sick of being so hypocritical and tired of having to put up facades to cover up that emotional weak part of me.

I'm ashamed. embarrassed. disappointed. scared.

Time for a new chapter soon. When I think of what I can do to lock everything up, shutting the other part of me inside, keeping the walls firm and strong against all attacks.

I'm strong. or maybe all this while, I'm merely trying to convince myself that I am.
In actual fact, I don't want to be the strong one. I want to feel protected. I need to feel someone watching over me.

I'm in control of myself.
Tomorrow will be a brand new day, with a fresh start in a brand new chapter of my life series.

Ciao.

Politically correct

2009-09-24T21:28:00.003+08:00

Blogs

1. blogging is an outlet for one to vent frustrations.
2. blogging is a place for people to comment about your anecdotes.
3. blogging is supposed to help one destress.
4. blogging is meant for public viewing purposes.
5. blogging should be wild & free.

But, sadly, it is not.

1. You are restricted in words & any emotional display.
2. You are exposed to criticism.
3. You can be sued for the contents, like defamation.
4. You can create mountains out of molehills.

Work

1. working is a source of income.
2. working allows one to gain experience.
3. working should make you feel passionate.
4. working ought to be in a mature environment.

But, sadly, it is not.

1. It is definitely competitive.
2. It is usually all about the knives, the mouths & the ears.
3. You do not always get the credit you should claim for a job well done.
4. It is pretty obvious to judge a person's ability to manipulate.

Conclusion:
Working and Blogging is definitely subjective and you have to be politically correct in the things you do & the words you use.

Au Revoir=)

What can I say?

2009-09-22T20:04:00.002+08:00

Everytime I hit a rock, i double back and make a U-turn. Now when I hit a rock, I prepare a hammer and smash it away. If possible. If the rock is too big, I contemplate the actions I have to take and then eventually, I give up.

I keep telling people that I loathe doing this and that. And then I realise that sometimes, you need to rely on that certain thing to make things become better. Henceforth, you ended up doing that particular thing you dislike doing. And tadaa - you resort to the same methods that were used by people you despise, only thing is that you didn't exert too much force into getting things to go your way. You merely manipulated in a way that is deemed acceptable.

I think I'm rambling again. I heard news and I didn't like what I hear. I fear for the future but what can i say? I try to survive.

Because, it's a dog-eat-dog world..

Each day I spend with my new friend, the more I wonder if I'm going the right direction because I fear that I will end up being cheated. again.

I'm feeling that all over again. ARGH?

Lost in the clouds

2009-09-14T22:46:00.002+08:00

I so wanna day dream. so wanna just sleep and ignore every single piece of shit that comes my way.

I've got the chance to experience a real-life dilemma going on and i feel sorry for the persons involved because they might have the ability but they don't have the right attitude.

do unto others what you want others to do unto you. someone said that everyone should try to help everyone else. By helping, in future when you are the one who needs help, there will be people who will render their services to you. because they remember what you did and kindness begets kindness.

That statement made me smirked and felt so sceptical because in actual fact, people have already assessed you the minute they speak to you or look at you. first impressions are very important as well.

Freedom of speech is not an option anymore because you never know who might be reading what you've written. And even writing on a blog that you deemed as personal is condemning enough to get someone to sue the pants off you.

Get it? I do, and I shall live to tell the tale because I want to know what I can do. But of course, I'll only live if I meet the right persons who can and are willing to guide me along.

090909

2009-09-09T21:36:00.000+08:00

Should be a nice day. Nope, got chided. Tired. Speechless. I don't want to say.

Caught in the middle because I was doing the right thing. As usual.

I shall keep mum. Apparently, there's no longer freedom of speech.

It's a wonder I still can keep up my blog. I'm waiting, sourcing, searching, analysing.

Toodles.

Shagged

2009-09-02T20:24:00.002+08:00

I think when it comes to food, whoever disturbs me, I'll be swearing. Definitely a nono to provoke me when I'm freaking hungry.

Consecutive days coming home late has left me feeling lethargic but I wanted to catch up with my friends. Only to get disappointed because it was wrong to be selfish once in a while.

Splurged on food yesterday. Freaking mad. Shall scrimp and save for the rest of the week if possible which is highly unlikely. Nicest thing is I can't even claim petty cash under myself so it kind of defeats the purpose of a petty cash. All that temp staff talk is getting into my head.

isn't a company supposed to take care of their staff, be it a temp or perm. But being colleagues is another thing all together. Get a life. I'm doing the same thing and yet, you bat your eyelids at me and walk away.

Why do I even bother working so hard and telling myself to enjoy when there's no recognition. at the end of the day, no one sees what I'm doing and they assume I'm doing nothing.

Read our organisers, we record every detail inside. Don't believe, search my brain.

I don't understand

2009-08-30T19:52:00.002+08:00

I am so freaking ashamed and horrified by myself.

After the whole incident, we were mad. Ben just couldn't understand why I can always think the good of people even when they made use of me. Well, she's right. I always think that people have their own difficulties and I always put others before me. Even if I am so reluctant in doing something, I will still feel guilty about turning it down.

Yesterday celebrate Daphne's birthday at Cherlyn's house. Had great fun. Even though the H2H wasn't much but I really enjoyed myself, being part of the clique, joining in the fun.

My dad enjoyed himself with the football session too! haha. all thanks to his football companions. lol! thanks guys=)

I promised myself that I will remain positive be it in thinking or treating others. But somehow, I've just gotta blog another cumbersome emotional post.

I'm so worn out. I can't be who you want me to be. All the time. Everytime I let you down, I feel so awful inside yet you always believe that I just cant be bothered. You care more about other things than what's been going on between us. There's so much to say but I'm so weary that I don't even want to let it all out. You always say I don't care, look who's talking. I don't know what to do now.

Because I realised that I don't know you anymore.

Taken for granted

2009-08-27T20:57:00.002+08:00

Sighing won't change anything either.
Feeling emo-ishy won't change anything either.

That pang of jealousy is raging inside me. Is it because when you get to be so close, you start to take people for granted?

Friends don't mind if friends wait for them for 1 hour or more. They message you and say: "Hey, I'll be late" and you thought it'll be like 10 mins late or something but no, you wait for 1 hour ++

Promises can't be kept but when you promised, and then at the last minute you say you cant make it because of some commitment which you agreed after your prior arrangement, you tend to feel vexed. Am i so unimportant that you can just cancel out on me like that?

Psychologically, the mind subconsciously sends a message to inform you that it don't matter because your friends and those close to you will understand and forgive you. But won't you be ashamed? I would if I were in the same predicament. I'll start feeling bad and guilty because I know that I didn't keep my part of the bargain.

But how long will it take a person to realise that they've seen it as a habit and that belief that the people you call your bosom buddies, will always be there and forgiving? What's the limit?

I am utterly disappointed and I don't know how to go about not making myself feel that way.
Penning my thoughts down, or rather typing, has made it easier for me to see in plain sight the kind of ugly thoughts that run through my brain.

Nevertheless, food was very unsatisfactory these few days. Or maybe I have an insatiable appetite which needed pampering every single day.

I've yet to go for my steamboat.
I've yet to watch THE FINAL DESTINATION which aired today.
I've yet to get my new heels.
I've yet to obtain my pay.
I've yet to eat my ice-cream buffet.
I've yet to earn the respect I want.
I've yet to do alot of things with that exclusive person.

Work seems more important. And it seems as though we are growing far apart. Is it because we both minded and yet, you are always waiting for me to break the rules and do the impossibles?

Exhausted. Using your brain for leisure and work is equally tiring.

Time to rest and end this sea of agony.

Ciao=)

Screw today

2009-08-25T21:23:00.002+08:00

Bad day.

Hate it when people accuse me of something I did not do. I hate two-faced people. Hypocrites.

Don't assume that you know me because you don't. Stop skimming the surface, but look deeper or understand what's going on before jumping to conclusions.

Ate macs in the morning, ate pepper lunch in the afternoon, bought korean chicken to eat as snack after lunch. went NTUC with Ben to shop for office groceries. ate snacks while working.

Had to walk away from people when I can't think straight. or the people will end up suffering for it when they are not the cause.

Karma karma karma.

I am a happy girl because I am waiting for KBOX and SATURDAY TO COME!!!
OH YA! Swensen's ice cream buffet too!!!!

Freaking hours of morning

2009-08-22T10:07:00.002+08:00

I have nothing to say about yesterday @ work. I don't want to say.

After work, ben went meet her bf and she ended up at town too la hor ben? haha.

met up with wm, cj, eliane and ben. Had xiao long bao for dinner. and the service was utterly disappointing. BENJAMIN TAN was late, and caused the rest of us to starve for maybe half an hour or more. tsk.

gossip time. and we actually talked about the most stupid and nonsensical stuff and kept straying from the main topic too. Damn cui la. haha.

headed to ION and that shopaholic pang is working up again. I want to buy that for my exclusive mister but then, i seriously have to watch my money and spend wisely for the time being till 31 Aug COMES!!! muahaha.

Burberry's bag & wallet, New Look's heels, Edit's Tee, Uniqlo's tees, beret, sunglasses. ARghs, temptations and they are also wants only.

I need something and I shall source for that something when I meet up with love later.

Oh ya, had a crazy morning today. I jolted awake, look at the time (6AM). Said "FUCK!", gotten up to take my contact lens, about to open the door and then I realised there's no one outside, slowed down abit and discovered that IT'S FREAKING SATURDAY!!!

if not I would have ended up going jogging already. But the panic is there. see how hardworking I am? Saturday also want go to work. Freaking hilarious.

Overworked and the stress level shouldn't be so high at the beginning. Somehow, it was proven wrong and I feel awfully bad for taken advantage of people's kindness.

Reminding myself that I will clear that dumb stuff on monday. I swear!!!

All I ask of you...

2009-08-20T21:20:00.002+08:00

Today was considerably hectic that I am beginning to let loose and go crazy. We are all rushing against time because we are way behind schedule for our event planning stuff.

Like totally pissed because I felt so miserable the whole day that I decided to swallow everything with each mouthful of food. I chew, I gobble, I bite, I swallow.

People may think I am fine with everything but in actual fact I will just swallow most of it and then let myself cool off. Obviously, a facade is so freaking needed lo.

I have to pretend I am fine when I am not. And you provoke me when you should be comforting me or telling me something sugar and nice.

If it means so much to you that things should change, then I am sorry to say I just cant be perfect. I am so freaking tired. You always promise and then somehow, you just either seem to forget about it or you think that it don't matter. and yes, I'm letting the whole world know and embarrassing you because I want to talk to you so badly and yet, your door seems shut to me. Why should it be?

I'm thankful I have friends who encourage me and discourage me from the positives and negatives. And of course, friends who can go wild with me. Haha. Sometimes, I really hate taking initiative. I always thought that friends do not need to have a reason to keep in touch. they can just ring one another up and be super random and talk random stuff.

Maybe I thought wrong.

I have tons of negativity in me because whatever unhappiness that happened in the day will always be channeled into some other place for me to vent and this is the place.

Don't worry, I promise I will be more positive. I promise you my dear friend <3

Anyway, Triumph is having an eco-friendly workshop on 29 Aug at CK Tangs. Interested parties can contact me to find out more.

At the side of my blog you see that facebook page update right, do take note of our events. We have tons of it and one very interesing one now is the ION's Be Naughty or Nice event. It's super sexy obviously with lingerie. But it's very cool.

Take care.

Don't even want to think about it

2009-08-18T21:11:00.005+08:00

Read the title of the entry. Now I'll tell you, I can't not think about it.

Yesterday was Monday Blues.

Today is Tuesday Oranges/Bananas.

Hmmm, Tomorrow shall be yellow wednesday? hmmm.

Freaking upset today. I tried controlling but when you are cranky, you tend to think that everyone is irritating.

People are funny creatures. They always contradict themselves. And when they are wrong, they insist that you're to blame and not them because they remembered clearly that they told you certain things. two against one, who should win? no one. everyone is equal.

Read the company's mission, seems irony. is it because it's singapore's culture? so predictable.

You are instructed to do certain things, you follow, they say you too pi. if you take the initiative, they say you never get approval. some things do not always have to go through approval, can take initiative. but why is it that it is only our 2 week and we are already assumed to have known everything via the handover when the handover does not state every single detail. It's always OJT so isn't patience of key importance? 2 persons doing 1 person's job, we are supposed to be more efficient. If people don't embrace us into their culture and world, we will never learn. We are mere strangers who haven't even work till a month and who will like us?

I'm utterly confused by the system and need enlightenment. haha.

it's so tiring to always reach out. I shall be a recluse again.

Rants aside:

Yesterday went out with ZK, Eliane, CJ & Allena. At least 5 people shang lian. loL! Some consolation to me. I was complaining that usually I flop at organising events because people don't agree or follow. Haha. We had major distractions when we were talking about one main topic. Somehow, the conversation will always stray somewhere else. Hope to meet up with them again sia. I miss the cliques and the good old days.
But I know it'll never come back to me anymore. Time changes people.

PHOTO TIME!!!!!

ELIANE CHEE SOEK PING (duno correct spelling ma) trying to act fierce when I've never seen her fierce before la.

ALLENA YAN YEE TING and a younger version of her. She's Grandma Yan.

The Fridge.

Eliane demonstrating the use of the washing machine.

Eliane and Melly being anti-social and emo-istic so as to empathise with Grandma Yan.

Grandma Yan's favourite seat and desk.

CHEW ZHI KANG, ELIANE CHEE & ALLENA YAN peeping at GRANDMA YAN.

OUR unique order form at My Dessert House. Cai Jun's Masterpiece.

The 3 images below as described in the order form.

Zhi Kang's Kiwi Strawberry don't-know-the-name drink.

Cherios=)

Random

2009-08-15T15:25:00.002+08:00

Met up with my exclusive last tuesday and we headed to breeks for dinner. ice cream @ gelare was ruled out as the food we ate were too much for us to consume.

Like the safari meal.

my baked dory with spaghetti.

and his chicken melted pattie.

hmmm. anyway, work was considerably okay but it gotten a little bit more hectic at the end as we had deadlines to meet and correspondents not replying as fast as we expected them to.

i am now stuck with having to do a write-up and writer's block usually come. either that or I'll end up writing non-stop with no notion whether it will pass the vetting my management will be doing =S

went new look @ ion yesterday. i'm so freaking in love with the store because there are sandals, pumps, shoes and HEELS galore! okay, they do sell accessories and apparels but my eyes just went straight for the footwear. a weakness of mine. I have tons of shoes and i wear them once or twice and that's about it. darn it.

saw this very nice heels that cost about 57 bucks and it's 3 or 4 inches high. Ong Ching Keat decided that if I buy it, he will definitely adore me. so i might consider purchasing it once i get my pay. of course, i saw a set of pumps at Anna Nucci's and I want it so badly too.

window shopping has its good and bad. aiming for the end of the month. please come quickly!!!!

oh yea, triumph's having a warehouse sale from 28 Aug to 30 Aug and I so definitely want to buy stuff. Shit! just remembered I might have to work on the weekend and daphne's birthday falls on the sunday!

see how it goes.
obsession with shoes has brought me no where. obsession with 'BFF' and 'chill' has also brought me nowhere. so right now, i couldn't care less. i don't like to always have to approach people and break the ice first. makes me feel like an idiot trying to talk to people when nobody cares a single hoot. working is also the same. i tend to ask very stupid questions and answers given made me feel so idiotic. i think i've embarrassed myself enough even without saying anything. lol!

cherios=)

Incessant buzzing

2009-08-13T20:20:00.002+08:00

incessant usually comes with rants. so today was a go mad kind of day. somehow, my mood was rather good and i was quite hyper till Ben proclaim that today is my nutty day.

you know how triumph actually sells bra and that they have a product called maximizer? I want it! haha. very suited for females like me. it really enhances your assets. HAHA! of course, Ben was quite smitten with Miss T. =X okay, she likes the blonde while i prefer the brunette. haha.

tomorrow is FRIDAY! and it marks the end of another week! yea! but i freaking wish the month end was here because then my bank will see a surge of cashflow and I won't be so tight around the waist and pocket and what nots.

I wish every alternate day was like today, not including the workload, wish that I can stay cheerful like today i mean.

i think there's no turning back, especially when it involves talking about something that you should never anyhow blabber consistently and incessantly and when things screw up.

Had a very nice conv. about BFFs with Ben and it made me start to reminisce. oh well, to heck with it.

I am beginning to understand the wonders of being geeky - i don't have to go out and spend loads of money on food. haha!

Penny for thought

2009-08-12T21:39:00.004+08:00

I've taken for granted that you will always be beside me. I've taken for granted that happy things will surround me.

When I learn to cherish, they are taken away from me. It's funny how only at dire straits will people actually learn to love, cherish, and embrace diversity in its face. Somehow, what goes around comes around. So no matter what happens, you should know that you reap the outcome.

Today was tiring, I mean, just sitting on the floor doing inventory management will bound to make my butt ache tomorrow morning because the floor is hard, even though it's carpeted. Had a false alarm too but otherwise, the day passed quickly and uneventfully. Only crop ups were the questions that envelope Ben and me on facing the handover tasks. Well, some of it only.

People always warn us not to believe everything or everyone because everyone is definitely hiding behind a facade, just that we haven't unveil it yet. However, I truly admire this particular person - A at work. She understands what we are going through and she encourages us in her own way. Best of all, from what we've observed, she's true to herself. Another person to respect is B, she is very hardworking and she knows what she wants. Of course, it's only been a week and there is more to learn and discover along the way.

Most disappointing thing to me is that I am just a temporary staff, and I think, I am the only one too. This has caused me certain inconvenience in carrying out my duties. Had a depressing session of self-reflecting before drifting off to lala land. And I have decided that as long as I am true to myself, who cares about the others? Of course, interpersonal skills is very important but if people will not accept me, I cannot possibly brainwash them. I can carry on speculating about how they feel but eventually, it will be to my detriment and not theirs. So why not just shut out all the negativity and embrace the challenges ahead. After all, even if it can't work out, I still have to start all over in a new environment in the near future.

I shall try to be positive and smile my way through every single day. If not, I will be the only one suffering.

Au Revoir!

Special Attention:

Kai Yin! I kept my promise and got you the medal! hahaha!

080809

2009-08-10T11:48:00.001+08:00

Last Saturday was supposed to be the faith gathering but there were not many people who came.

Eliane, Ben, Zhi Kang and me were so sad while we headed to Marina Square together. Then, Johannes surprised us! So shocked but we were touched by his sincerity. Then we decided that 5 was an okay number. And then!!!! the next shocker was Ming Li called! haha. and tadaa, we became 7. and Jaron came as well. even though there wasn't much interaction.

We went bowling and I got 30 points. Not supposed to be proud of it but I shall aim to get a higher score next time. Then Ben, Eliane and I went to play shooting games and it was pretty funny. Photo updates are all on facebook though. lazy to upload here. haha. So the rest played pool and then we decided that it was dinnertime so we headed to 杰克的地方 for dinner. Poor service but then we had a room to ourselves.

Went for a night stroll and chitchat session near the Singapore River and there was lots of goofing around. Eventually, we left for home and that's about it.

Hope that the next gathering will be better. haha.

Random:
Things suddenly cropped up and now, I'm at a lost as to what to do. Wish there was more time to do what I want but then, no one knows what the future holds. Fate brings people together, and it's our own destiny that we must follow.

I wish that we were closer. I wish that time will not play me out. I wish that I could wipe off the unpleasant memories that are holding me back. Refraining me from reaching out.

Work

2009-08-08T12:13:00.000+08:00

Yesterday marks the end of the first week of work. To sum it up, working has its pros and cons. Very interesting.

I met a new friend and that new friend is Benjawan! I mean that it's as though we have alot of stuff in common and I'm glad that I'm not alone when working. Jia Xi's the new designer in the dept. and there's so much to do in the office, so much we don't know either.

Ben and I have our fair share of interesting anecdotes and I hope we'll remain as friends even if I don't get to work long-term. Hmmm.

School's starting for some of my clique and the guys are going army too. Now, going out after work is so tiring.

Met up with my exclusive bf at cityhall, not before I had an embarrassing episode with Ben. But I was totally spaced out yesterday. So anyway, Ong Ching Keat and I went to Funan's Swensens to have our sumptous dinner and the food was not very nice. The ribeye steak was the only thing that caught our attention. Photos are obviously with him because I've yet to purchase my own Digital Camera. And definitely getting the Canon brand.

Working is also making me grow fatter because you get hungry quite easily. Still have to get accustomed with the working environment and familiarise ourselves with the various tasks at hand.

Hope we don't screw up. Shall prepare for later. I'm meeting the clique in the train. It was supposed to be a class outing but nevertheless, we shall make it fun! yea!

Ciao!

First Post

2009-08-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

I shall take weixin as my role model. lol! actually, i've been thinking about changing my blog but i was too lazy to implement the idea. weixin's right, a new beginning calls for a new blog. henceforth, i shall embark on this wonderful journey with wonderful memories of my after-poly life. muahaha.

=.=

right...